I’m Getting Tasered for Christmas

Another Black Friday is in the history books and we’re left with a lingering emptiness and a few hundred YouTube videos, evidence of the thrill and excitement of that day after Thanksgiving. I’m guessing that, for many people, standing in line for hours and then morphing into a cloying, snarling mob, similar to New Yorkers boarding a Manhattan subway at rush hour, getting punched, kicked, pepper sprayed and tasered in order to save $1.49 on some Christmas present that will be returned on 12/26 or never used, was worth skipping a crummy turkey dinner with friends and family. Obviously, these same people could have been getting punched, kicked and whacked by their relatives in the comfort of their own homes instead of by complete strangers and police in the vestibule of a big box retailer.

There were fights over toasters, towels, nose hair trimmers, catheters—you name it; if it was discounted, blood was spilled trying to get at it. Now I can maybe understand getting tasered by a security guard for using Wilshire Farms Genoa Salami to club an eighty-three-year-old grandmother in order to yank a 50” TV out of her arms, but for snatching a CD of love ballads by William Shatner? Give me a break. Many of the incidents happened in California (where it is a known fact that the majority of lifelong residents are a product interspecies breeding experiments by ancient astronauts), but no part of the USA except Disneyworld was immune. Walt had established the good-sense policy to never offer discounts, thus avoiding the unsavory spectacle of Goofy applying a hammerlock to unruly guests. 

Fortunately, Walmart announced it would soon resume selling rifles and handguns in fashionable colors with ammo for each, which will be especially useful when the firearms replace hard salamis on the next Black Friday. If you’re going to get shot grappling over a discounted Favorite Christmas Carols by Regis Philbin CD, it should be by a pink bullet fired from a Hello Kitty 9mm pistol with Swarovski crystals on the grip.

For the rest of this Christmas season, official Brawlmart greeters will now flash a smile and a stun gun just to let you know that their “Welcome to Walmart” is conditional and any person using a salami or any type of meat from the grocery department as a weapon will be mercilessly zapped as if he or she was an Amway salesperson. This gives new meaning to Flashing Blue Light Special. 

I personally observed Black Friday as Buy Not a Darn Thing Day and, glass of bubbly in hand, treated myself to YouTube videos of all the joyous shopping sprees. 

So Peace on Earth, good will toward men and 40% off to everyone else!


1 Comment

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One response to “I’m Getting Tasered for Christmas

  1. Lorna Bredehorn

    Good one, Wayne. Glad you stayed home, as did I. This year an infinitismal amount of those $60 billion spent online were some of my dollars. I’ve gotta say, sitting around in my jammies with iPad in hand sure beats hauling bags around the now deserted malls. From now on, if I’m not buying clothes, it’s the internet for me.

    Hope all is well with you. I spent Oct & Nov in FL & will head back down there on Jan 1st expecting to be back in WI by mid-May. If you’re planning a visit to south FL this year, let me know & maybe we can get together for lunch.

    Merry Christmas to you & your family.


    Date: Sat, 12 Dec 2015 21:55:30 +0000 To: stonesmom@hotmail.com


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