We’re All in the Same Boat

I’d like to discuss the benefits of aging, but since I can’t think of any, that’s all for this post.

Surely, I jest. Of course there are innumerable benefits to getting older. The problem is that trying to come up with them is like trying to get a truthful statement about the Gulf of Mexico from bp. But since you could have been doing something valuable such as purging your lunch instead of reading this piece, I should endeavor to list some.

Maybe one comes to mind: If you’re aging, you’re not dead. I suppose that would be the biggest benefit. In an overwhelming majority of cases, death has proven to be highly detrimental to aging.

Maybe another one: Provided you are not dead or a member of Congress, you can impart valuable advice in life matters, based on wisdom gained through years of experience, to your children who will promptly disregard it and take the advice of their friends, who don’t know any more than they do, and make stupid mistakes all over again, ones they could have avoided if they’d only listened to you. For instance, don’t gargle bowling balls. Bocce balls are smaller and a better fit, but there is an increased risk of accidentally swallowing one. This will be soundly ignored by your children, leading to major tooth loss and cracked bathroom sinks. Hopefully by now they will have moved out of your home for the last time so you and your spouse can enjoy the winter years of your life in a nursing home, wiping the drool off each other’s chin as you sit in front of a television watching reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show.

Yet another: You get to have as many colonoscopies as you’d like, which is usually none. Being sentient life forms for the most part, we humans have an aversion to swallowing a 50 gallon drum of prep fluid and then having a scope the size of a dryer hose shoved into a place where things are only supposed to come out of. Fortunately, you’re asleep for this procedure, so you miss thrill of feeling that a horde of rabid weasels in track shoes is performing Riverdance in your intestines.

A final one: You’ll be eligible to collect Social Security, though collecting it will be purely fantasy since Congress will have us living out the self-fulfilling prophecy they created by reporting that the system will be broke by 2030 and doing their best to fulfill that prophecy for everyone but them. You’ll then be able to move to the Loop and into that refrigerator carton on Lower Michigan Avenue you’ve been eyeing for years.

One benefit of aging for me personally, even without a Social Security check, is that I no longer stick my fork into my forehead when I eat. I’ve learned how to easily find my mouth. This is especially true with the uncapped end of a beer bottle.


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